A look

As a writer, I not only write about non-fiction matters, as I have for the vast majority of this site, but also enjoy doing creative pieces. These tend to be short and observational, possibly best read in an armchair. Here is one of those, created just for this blog.

I shut the door behind me and sat down to take my shoes off after a long day at work. It had been a long day and just a moment to sit down was all I had been longing for. Now I was rested, I had other things on my mind. I couldn’t stop and was thinking about the evening ahead. Can my mind not just live in the moment? Not today, I had a potentially difficult evening ahead.

I got up from my chair and started to change. Tonight was my six-month anniversary dinner with my girlfriend. We’d met on a blind date, something I was a bit reluctant to try at the time, and we’ve been going pretty well. Not sure where its headed yet, but I’m having fun. This evening though has presented a problem: another woman.

Its not that I’m interested in the other woman, well I am, but not in that way. Nothing happened really, or at least nothing anybody else would consider a problem. I just looked at her. We didn’t say anything to each other and didn’t touch; we just caught each other’s eye. But in that brief moment, I felt more connected to her than I ever have with Melissa. It felt to me as if our hearts were beating as one and that I was gazing into her soul, something I didn’t have the right to do. The impact of the unexpected intimacy almost made me flinch, and it affected her the same. I was unsure whether to smile at her or not and our awkwardness was clear. She averted her gaze downwards and we both continued walking. We passed each other without comment.

I don’t know whether you’ve ever felt that too, but I have several times. Always with girls that are not particularly attractive and I always come away regretting not doing anything. I have no idea what to say after that moment though without coming across as a complete weirdo; “Hi, I think we just made a soul connection, can I buy you a coffee?”

I do not need this feeling of regret tonight, as I should be focussing on me and Melissa. I can’t though. I want to see where one of these moments would lead. I started dating Melissa because I was attracted to her, and while we’re having fun, I wouldn’t say we’ve made as deep a connection as that. But I can’t break up with her, especially since there is almost no chance I will see this girl again. Maybe when I get the courage to follow it through, then I can end this afterwards. There is however no guarantee that it will happen. For now, I will hold onto what I’ve got.

I grab my coat and leave to pick her up. I am still uneasy about this date. I want to be honest with her, but breaking up today on our anniversary feels harsh. But is it more cruel to lie and intend to break up with her when the next moment presents itself? I don’t know and the time I have left to decide is diminishing.

They say fear of the unknown is a dangerous thing, but right now I think curiosity is far more so. Danger isn’t a bad thing though; it’s merely a risk that we have to accept and conquer. This date is dangerous, as is my tongue.

As Melissa comes into view, I have no idea what I am going to say. I feel sorry for her, innocent as she is. I never intended for this to happen, but I couldn’t help what I felt in my heart. I’ve already decided to hurt her, unfair as that is. It now falls to me to decide how.

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