For those of you who are followers of this blog, you may have noticed that for the past 2/3 weeks, I’ve not been writing much. The reasons for this are both simple and complicated and I feel like I should explain. These past few weeks have been really tough for me, and I don’t usually share why. At church today though I was challenged to live in the light, which means not hiding things regardless of the cost, so here is me being open, whether you want to hear it or not.
I’m a single guy and always have been, something that I’m not happy about. However, I try to live my life and move on, but I do get really quite lonely at times. I think this loneliness is then exaggerated by my own thoughts. Part of my personality is to have really deep feelings for people, more so than I think they realise. This intensity of feeling is often very tiring and if I do not keep up with just doing things rather than relationships, I get worn out. When people show an interest and chose to share even a part of their life with me, a bond is formed. I get attached to that person and without thinking, want them to succeed. In my heart I put others above myself and I know that may come across as big headed and sound like I’m boasting, but it honestly is what I do. It may in part be down to a lack of self worth, but I think a big part of it is seeing quite quickly what is valuable about people and how they are different to me. But after that first connection, my heart is for them. I am a lion by their side and will shout for what they shout for, regardless of the cost to me. It is when this depth isn’t felt by me (whether it be out there or not) that I feel isolated.
Well, that is how this bad spell started. I felt alone and helpless to change that fact, as not only am I hugely lacking in confidence in this area, but therefore are very few single ladies that I know. Rather than fighting this quickly, I let that part of me that cries out in pain at this have control. And I got down for quite a few days.
This is not the first time this has happened and I doubt it will be the last. The next phase has also had a precedent or two. I cried out to God in desperation asking for Him to help, as I feel helpless and wanted things to change. Surprisingly, I didn’t suddenly meet a fantastic supermodel who was also blessed with brains and a heart. All I got was a reminder that I had a really good life. I have a great bunch of friends, an awesome house, money and an easy well paying job. But as has happened before, this was not a comfort. This only made me feel worse, as I not only felt guilty for how bad I was feeling but also felt that any change would not prevent these bursts coming again. This made me only cry out more.
One of the things about these moods is that at this stage, seeing other people doing fine hurts like hell. I feel like I’m failing by being stuck in this pool of misery and that I’m letting them down. I also find that it has serious effects on my body and I can’t sleep well. This thus makes me ill and tired, thus meaning I have very little energy to try and pull myself out to appear ok around people. I can manage to do it for a very small group, particularly one I know really well, but not a massive one. It is this self destructive nature of it then means it gets dragged out and I can’t get myself out of it. This time it went on for so long that I started to doubt that God actually wanted to help get me out of it, as I hadn’t heard anything from Him. I couldn’t stand being in church because it felt like I was walking into a hospital and being told the Doctor wouldn’t see me.
That is, until today.
Our church has two services, one in the morning and one in the evening. This morning’s was exactly the same as last weeks; it hurt and I wanted to be somewhere else. I wanted to run away and had only come because I knew I had duties to perform. This evening though was a session of worship where we just stood in His presence. If you don’t know what this is, I can’t possibly explain it and if you do, you can’t possibly deny it. I started trying to sing the worship songs, but there were parts I just couldn’t join in with. I refuse to lie to God, as there really is no point in it. I ended up on my knees, clinging to the mustard seed of faith I had left. I wanted a direction, as I had none and was struggling to move forward. I felt like a ship run aground and just asked God to steer me in the way he wanted me to go. I got no direction, but I got an answer.
The leader at the front read out a few words of prophecy and there were a few about people being weary. Those of us sat down were asked to stand as it was necessary for us to wake up our Spirits. It’s really hard to explain how this happened, but I think it just involved saying that and singing a new song to God. What I can say is that the result was amazing. Before I stood up, I was tired of life and honestly wanted to just give up as everything I tried was too hard. Afterwards, I was looking around for mountains to tear down. I had an urge to pray for this to happen to someone else and I was bouncing on the balls of my feet to see someone I could help.
In the past few weeks I realised one thing that I now see God was trying to increase my revelation of; I have nothing but God. Material objects will never bring me peace and neither will the love of other people. I need God. That is all. It is so simple and pure we often mishear or misunderstand it. I thought that I needed God to guide me or a word from God but that was overcomplicating the beautiful and simple fact; I need Him. It’s simply being there with Him that is enough. I still feel that I really haven’t got a hope to find a girl, but that’s not the point. I don’t need one, all I need is to sit at the feet of the King of Kings and remember whose presence I’m in.
One thing that was clear is that God was building up strength in me. I see myself as a warrior for God, and he’s confirmed this many times. I imagine myself swinging a sword while I pray, which when I brought it up with Him on what I should do when praying for people far off, He gave me a sling. One of the most amazing picture (and the reason for that title above) is that he showed me as being like Iron Man. Once I was raising my hands in worship, and He showed me beams coming out of my hands like Iron Man over the whole room. At first I thought this was to attack, but no, it was to pour His spirit out of me and into others.
When God gives you a picture like that, you kind of grow to like the film much more. I already loved it because of the links to Ephesians 6, a passage I adore, but my love for the character was complete. So, when in Iron Man 2 they decided to write that the suit was killing him, I was really rather annoyed, as the beautiful analogy was ruined. The suit had been a fantastic metaphor for how wonderful becoming a Christian was, but this spoiled it. Now though, I see it differently and can accept it. I don’t believe it’s a reading that they intended, but it can still be like putting on the Ephesians 6 armour; you just get some impurities taken out along the way. its not perfect, but it’s a thought I’ll take in when I next watch the second one. What I would like to see more of in the third one is him struggling to keep putting on the armour and wanting a break. That’s a long way away though, and the next film we’ll get to see him in is going to be the Avengers.
So, to sum up, I’m back. I shall be writing more, thinking lots and hopefully entertaining a few of you when you have nothing else to read on the internet. This post is not about me being perfect, or my moment being awesome; it’s about God. He changed me from a wreck to a wrecking ball. I’ve often thought of myself as His WMD he keeps stashed away. Well, I’m armed again and like it or lump it, the fog has lifted and I am out to meet thing head on. I may fall into this trap again, but hopefully, this testimony will help someone, either simply me, or someone else looking for a breakthrough.